I recently wrote an apology letter to all the Elden Ring summons I’ve failed by dying like an idiot. But it’s fine, screw them, I don’t need them anymore. Bonk the Bonkest has taught me something incredible about FromSoftware’s masterpiece - all you need is a big stick and a dream in your heart, and, suddenly, it’s like a walk in the poison swamp park.

One of the first things I did in my new playthrough was grab a great club, then I made a beeline for the Mimic Tear. Two Bonk the Bonkests. When I first beat the game, I admittedly used a dex/bleed build running Mimic Tear and Rivers of Blood. I know, I’m a scrub. But, weirdly, I’ve found hitting things with a big club like a caveman is a lot simpler and more effective.

Take O’Niall. He’s become a very strange in-joke with my partner because, very early on in our relationship - I’m talking a couple of months at most - I was spamming them on Snapchat with frustration over how he kept summoning difficult enemies while dealing stupidly high damage. I was at breaking point, spending entire nights desperately trying to overcome him while my partner laughed at me.

So, now that my partner lives with me, I jumped with excitement when I got to O’Niall and declared, “THERE’S THE C**T.” We both watched as I proceeded to beat him to death with my clone in less than a minute. Rivers of Blood eat your heart out, Big Stick is better.

Mohg was a pushover too. I used my jump attack over and over and over again while my Mimic Tear swung for the fences, and he went down like a lead balloon. Radahn was even more of a joke thanks to all the NPCs taking part.

I slapped Godfrey silly, made Margit look like a Mar git, and walloped Renalla so hard and so fast that she never got to fly back into her little air bubble. Mind you, I’m still dreading Malenia, but something tells me that things will go a lot smoother than they did two years ago. This time, it’s me who will solo her.

At the moment, I only have one big stick. But there are even bigger sticks to be had and power stancing to look forward to - that’s when you have two of the same weapon and enough strength to duel-wield them in a special, more powerful mode. Two Bonk the Bonkests, four clubs. By the time Shadow of the Erdtree launches, I’m going to be unstoppable.

Even though I have thousands of hours across FromSoftware’s library and the many games that draw inspiration from them, Bonk the Bonkest has taught me a lot about Soulslikes. I’ve always tried to minmax the best build, utilising speedrun strats and glitches to optimise my runs to overcome most of their challenges. But getting stuck in with a dumb idea and letting it run wild has lifted a lot of pressure and made things not just more fun, but far easier. I now understand why people like to try and finish Elden Ring on a pregnancy test, or whatever other weird challenges they’re coming up with this week.

Soulslike games aren’t really about the perfect stats or weapons, it’s about how comfortable you are. Once you’re in the routine of your build, no matter what it is - even if it’s a broken straight sword and a dream – you can master it and get through the toughest fights with ease. Care less about the community’s meta and fine-tuning things to hell and back, find a big honkin’ stick, and these games are a helluva lot breezier.

Elden Ring

With worldbuilding from Game of Thrones scribe George R.R. Martin and developed by FromSoftware, Elden Ring is a masterpiece in what has become known as the 'Soulslike' genre of action role-playing games.